I guess I’m going to this once-a-year posting bit. I’d like to post more, but life tends to get busy and I don’t make time for it. I want to in 2022, but don’t hold me to it. If I’m writing it will *hopefully* be my WIP and not a blog, but sometimes the insistent rambling doesn’t pair well for a novel. See. I’m doing it now.
Camping in the Cold
4th of July
Sea Side
Cheers to one year!
Okay, 2021. Here’s the thing. 2021 was the first year life was quiet for me since 2017. In 2018 I got a divorce, in 2019 I got engaged and in 2020 I got married. Not to mention my mom passing away, job changing and a host of other things. Most of it was good, great even. But it was busy. They say the hardest relationship is the healthy one after the toxic one and that is a fact. But it’s not until the quiet comes that you know there’s a problem. In a toxic relationship, drama means love. Tears mean love. Huge, over-the-top emotions and behavior mean love. So, the steady hum of a normal life feels like something is wrong. What do you mean you’re not jumping in front of my car to stop me from leaving? What do you mean you’re not showing up at my work and buying me Coach purses? What’s going on here? Where’s the yelling and hitting walls and….what is this? Turns out ‘this’ is a healthy relationship. This is what people do when they have nothing to hide and no need to love-bomb you after their most recent transgression. And no one talks about this addiction (for lack of a better term) you hold on to for the love bombing. You think if someone isn’t fawning all over you all the time, something is wrong. If they’re not texting you every second, something is wrong. You expect it. But what you expect is a false construct that if you’re honest with yourself never lasted anyway. So when things get quiet and life is just happily unfolding you will start to question things and make up scenarios in your head and you will mess everything up if you’re not careful, or so I’ve learned.
I didn’t think I had any leftover issues or wounds, but I’d just spent three years filling those holes with constant life changes. Basically, I had something to focus on other than myself. And as it turns out, ya girl is pretty wounded and worst of all, wounded my son in the process. The behaviors I picked up to survive inevitably trickled down to him. It wasn’t until this year that I really accepted that I needed work. But acknowledging that is the first step and I continue to work on myself and my behaviors. My son and I are closer than we’ve ever been (now that he’s about to move out lol) and I’m working on taking responsibility for the pain I caused him.
I also fully embraced the NACHO Kids method this year and that has been amazing for my mental health. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you can read about it here. It’s a method of family blending where the stepparent leaves the parenting to the parents and totally steps out of the equation. I honestly didn’t know how much stress and drama trying to put my nose where it didn’t belong was causing me until I stopped. We try not to talk about the past or allow situations to overlap at all in our house. My husband and I have had conversations about things we’ve learned from our previous relationships, lessons we took away, behaviors we’re trying to overcome – but not allowing your past a place in your present is a good lesson to learn. We only talk about our future as a family here, and our family is he and I and our boys. It’s refreshing. I highly recommend this style, especially for stepparents whose stepkids live with them full-time. Unless the other parent has asked you to step in and *insert whatever here* do not do it. You’re there for love, kind words and to be a support system for your spouse. I also think I was blessed with the best stepkids on the planet so this makes it easy for me. I’ve never had to deal with meanness or disrespect or other things I hear so many stepparents complaining about and why this method might not work for them. These kids are good humans and just need a little direction…from their parents.
I’m not saying I’ve reached the end of my healing journey and 2022 is going to be smooth sailing. Far from it. I’m just saying that you’ll never get anywhere if you stand still and for the first time in a while, I’m taking steps forward. With all that being said, I leave you with everyone’s favorite part of my posts: Lessons learned in 2021…
- You’ve probably hurt and gaslighted your kids. Acknowledge, apologize and do better.
- Even if you wanted it, the end of anything will affect you and you need to process it.
- Not everyone deserves your forgiveness, but you deserve to reach a level of indifference that’s, well, indifferent.
- You can remove yourself from any situation that isn’t good for your mental health, familial or otherwise.
- Birth control can make your hair fall out.
- And last but most certainly not least: It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Wishing you all a safe and happy 2022. Here’s to it being your best year yet.
The ridiculously long story of our engagement basically boils down to me rushing things (as usual). We go to a festival every year (EDC) and our ‘song’ is by someone who plays at this festival. At the end of day one this year, he said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t slip a ring on your finger during Slander’ and I said, ‘Me too, son!’ because I thought we were playing. And THEN he said, ‘But it’s at the house.’ You could have knocked me over with a feather. I truly had no idea he’d been working towards getting the ring or was even 100% on board with getting married. I wanted to go a day early or he would’ve had the ring with him. And he’d been kind of weird at the beginning of the trip, but never in a million years would I have thought it was because of that. Needless to say, we had a great night. When we got home the ring was indeed there and we got it sized and I asked him to wait and give it to me at a special time. A MONTH LATER (and after a barrage of bratty behavior from me) he finally got on his knee on a random Wednesday night and officially gave it to me. This man, this beautifully imperfect man, is the answer to every prayer I ever sent up to heaven. He is kind, thoughtful and so SO good at loving me, which to be fair, is not an easy task. I can’t even think about him without smiling. Nothing is perfect, but what we have is pretty damn close.