Tag Archives: Love

2021 Year in Review

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I guess I’m going to this once-a-year posting bit. I’d like to post more, but life tends to get busy and I don’t make time for it. I want to in 2022, but don’t hold me to it. If I’m writing it will *hopefully* be my WIP and not a blog, but sometimes the insistent rambling doesn’t pair well for a novel. See. I’m doing it now.

Camping in the Cold

4th of July

Sea Side

Cheers to one year!

Okay, 2021. Here’s the thing. 2021 was the first year life was quiet for me since 2017. In 2018 I got a divorce, in 2019 I got engaged and in 2020 I got married. Not to mention my mom passing away, job changing and a host of other things. Most of it was good, great even. But it was busy. They say the hardest relationship is the healthy one after the toxic one and that is a fact. But it’s not until the quiet comes that you know there’s a problem. In a toxic relationship, drama means love. Tears mean love. Huge, over-the-top emotions and behavior mean love. So, the steady hum of a normal life feels like something is wrong. What do you mean you’re not jumping in front of my car to stop me from leaving? What do you mean you’re not showing up at my work and buying me Coach purses? What’s going on here? Where’s the yelling and hitting walls and….what is this? Turns out ‘this’ is a healthy relationship. This is what people do when they have nothing to hide and no need to love-bomb you after their most recent transgression. And no one talks about this addiction (for lack of a better term) you hold on to for the love bombing. You think if someone isn’t fawning all over you all the time, something is wrong. If they’re not texting you every second, something is wrong. You expect it. But what you expect is a false construct that if you’re honest with yourself never lasted anyway. So when things get quiet and life is just happily unfolding you will start to question things and make up scenarios in your head and you will mess everything up if you’re not careful, or so I’ve learned.

I didn’t think I had any leftover issues or wounds, but I’d just spent three years filling those holes with constant life changes. Basically, I had something to focus on other than myself. And as it turns out, ya girl is pretty wounded and worst of all, wounded my son in the process. The behaviors I picked up to survive inevitably trickled down to him. It wasn’t until this year that I really accepted that I needed work. But acknowledging that is the first step and I continue to work on myself and my behaviors. My son and I are closer than we’ve ever been (now that he’s about to move out lol) and I’m working on taking responsibility for the pain I caused him.

I also fully embraced the NACHO Kids method this year and that has been amazing for my mental health. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you can read about it here. It’s a method of family blending where the stepparent leaves the parenting to the parents and totally steps out of the equation. I honestly didn’t know how much stress and drama trying to put my nose where it didn’t belong was causing me until I stopped. We try not to talk about the past or allow situations to overlap at all in our house. My husband and I have had conversations about things we’ve learned from our previous relationships, lessons we took away, behaviors we’re trying to overcome – but not allowing your past a place in your present is a good lesson to learn. We only talk about our future as a family here, and our family is he and I and our boys. It’s refreshing. I highly recommend this style, especially for stepparents whose stepkids live with them full-time. Unless the other parent has asked you to step in and *insert whatever here* do not do it. You’re there for love, kind words and to be a support system for your spouse. I also think I was blessed with the best stepkids on the planet so this makes it easy for me. I’ve never had to deal with meanness or disrespect or other things I hear so many stepparents complaining about and why this method might not work for them. These kids are good humans and just need a little direction…from their parents.

I’m not saying I’ve reached the end of my healing journey and 2022 is going to be smooth sailing. Far from it. I’m just saying that you’ll never get anywhere if you stand still and for the first time in a while, I’m taking steps forward. With all that being said, I leave you with everyone’s favorite part of my posts: Lessons learned in 2021…

  • You’ve probably hurt and gaslighted your kids. Acknowledge, apologize and do better.
  • Even if you wanted it, the end of anything will affect you and you need to process it.
  • Not everyone deserves your forgiveness, but you deserve to reach a level of indifference that’s, well, indifferent.
  • You can remove yourself from any situation that isn’t good for your mental health, familial or otherwise.
  • Birth control can make your hair fall out.
  • And last but most certainly not least: It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Wishing you all a safe and happy 2022. Here’s to it being your best year yet.

How to Fall in Love

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So, I’m seeing someone. I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t set out to jump out of one relationship and right back into another. Oh no. I was super excited to date. I was going to date multiple people. A lot. I had no intention of falling in anything. And then he happened. I was (obviously) dating other people when I met him. He was like, third on the list. I will say that I knew in about .5 seconds after meeting him that I was in trouble, though. His pictures don’t do him justice and I didn’t even know the boy had blue eyes until I sat next to him in the booth at the restaurant. It was one of those first dates where you just click, you know? Like – nothing is awkward. Nothing goes too far, just far enough. I left thinking that I really liked him, but you know, I was in a groove. We kept talking, texting…and then the hurricane happened. EVERYONE I was seeing disappeared, except him. He came to stay with me because I was scared to sleep with my windows open (but couldn’t leave my diabetic cat so I had to stay). He took me to breakfast and driving all around town amidst debris and other hazards so I wouldn’t have to sit in a hot house. And when he finally left I knew there was something going on. Something that I wasn’t going to be able to deny.

Our first pic

Now, don’t get me wrong. I fought it. Oh, y’all. I fought it so hard. Bless his heart. The first three months of our relationship were a roller coaster of the worst kind. I broke up with him four times (once right after his dad passed away – and yes I know I’m an asshole). I asked him to stay, then go, then stay. It was a mess. But he wouldn’t quit. It was like he knew something I didn’t want to know or couldn’t see yet. Truth? He has a lot of baggage. Like, baggage that he should have put down a long time ago but kept picking back up even though he didn’t really want it and just ended up hurting everyone in the end, including myself. And, again, if you know me – you know I already went down that road. So, logic says: What are you doing, girl? You know you can’t handle this? Well, turns out – I can. Turns out, when someone is willing to do whatever it takes, anything is possible. Maybe the beginning of our relationship was so rocky so we’d have a solid foundation to build forever on? That’s my thought anyway.

It’s been seven months and sometimes the boy comes home and I am

I mean, how do you not fall in love with that?

literally just like, YAAAS THANK YOU, JESUS because I’m that in love with him. Because I’m that attracted to him. Because I’m that grateful that the universe let me have this. I know some people think we moved too fast, and they’re right. We did. We moved very fast. But both of us spent a long time with things and in situations we didn’t want. Long enough to know what we did want, and we just happened to find it in each other.

I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t have any idea how this will end. All I know is that it is so nice not to have to wake up and decide to forgive someone for everything they’ve done to you. It is so nice to look at someone and not have to worry about your heart because you know it’s safe with them. It is so nice to fall in love again.

I finally watched The Greatest Showman last Friday. LOVE. That’s a whole other blog. But there is this song and it describes the beginning of our relationship pretty well. Me fighting against it and him saying just let it happen. Here’s the song with some odd writing on the bottom, but it’s worth it to see this scene. I guess I’ve written all these words to say this: It is NEVER too late to make a new ending for your story so if you think you can’t rewrite the stars, you’re wrong. You most certainly can.