It’s my first Mother’s Day without my mom. It’s pretty sad. I’m pretty sad. Like, don’t even really want to be reminded it’s Mother’s Day kind of sad. My son made me brownies (so many brownies! Lol) and got me a nice card, but I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. My Ex sent me a card and a gift card, which was really thoughtful. My boyfriend has been really nice, extra loving and snuggles. But the truth is, this kind of sad doesn’t go away. I heard once that grief is like a suitcase and you have to pick it up every day. At first it’s like this huge trunk you can barely lift and you’re dragging it all around running out of breath and thinking there’s no way you can make it. And as time goes on, the bag gets smaller and smaller until it’s like a fanny pack you hardly notice at all – but you still have to pick it up every day. I’d say mine is somewhere between a full-size suitcase and over-sized mom purse. Today, it’s the suitcase – one someone like my mom would have packed full of useless, needless shit when going on a week long trip because what if she needed the coral shoes?
Me and my mom on my 21st Bday
Honestly, in the end, my mom wasn’t even my mom anymore. There were flashes, but she wasn’t really there. And for a while before that she was just mean. Just awful. But now we know that is one of the beginning signs of the Alzheimer’s. If the cancer hadn’t taken her, I’m pretty sure that would have soon enough. No, I’m not going to her grave today. I don’t do that. She’s not there. If anything, I’d drive out to Bryceville to my granny and papa’s and sit down in one of their flowerbeds. If she’s wandering around down here, it would be somewhere like that.
But I hope she’s not.
I hope she’s giving this whole life thing another go. I hope she comes back to a middle-aged couple who’ve been trying forever to have a baby and then out of nowhere they are blessed with a baby girl and love the shit out of her. Love her and raise her with manners and kindness and she finds a man who loves her like my dad in the end the entire time they’re together. A man who she never has to look at and wonder if he loves her and a better daughter who never fights with her in the kitchen over a stupid boy because for the love of God, she deserves it. She really does.
Christy baby girl…..I miss your mom my sis like you wouldnt believe she always had and always will have a special place in my heart. Every since that day she left this earth it’s like everything has been in slow motion it’s like it’s not real but I know it is and I have to keep reminding myself I will, we will see her again.what makes things really difficult is not only her not here with us physically but seeing our family( jess Christy Cameron dad and mom ) still grieving and to be honest I think we all will grieve untill we see her again . I just want you to know even thow we dont spend alot of time together I’m here right up the road where we all grew up so please dont be afraid to come see me in your very busy life.i love you dearly more than you know and I’m always here…..