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I am genuinely looking forward to 2019. I don’t think I’ve said that about a year in a long time, not even last year. Especially not last year due to the timing of my ‘New Year’s’ post. But, this year is different. This year, I’ve put the hard things behind me. This year, everyone is healthy and my life is settled. This year, I can focus on moving forward instead of just trying like hell to stay afloat.
Some bad things happened in 2018, mainly just the one thing. Just the whole my mom dying thing – which, as it turns out – is a big thing. You’re so pretty. That’s the last thing my mom ever said to me. I had leaned down to kiss her while picking up my son.
“Love you, mom,” I said.
“Love you too, baby. You’re so pretty.”
I laughed and said, “Well, everyone says I look like you so…”
She smiled, and I left. The last words I said to my mom were, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And I did, but it was just her body as I sat with my dad and brother while we waited for them to come take her away to the funeral home. I’m not doing that well with it. And I thought I would – I thought I would be happy for her and just worry about my dad being sad. But nope, surprise – I’m pretty fucking devastated. Facebook was disabled over Christmas because I couldn’t deal with the whole memory thing. Yes, I know you turn that feature off – but I needed a break from social media for a bit anyway.
2018 wasn’t all bad, I suppose. Reading last year’s post, I’m happy to report that he did wait and chase and try and we have our ‘official’ one-year anniversary coming up. The anniversary of the night where we said, this is it. It’s us now. Not ‘him’ and not ‘her’ or ghosts from our past. Just us. The night he looked into my eyes and said he would never hurt me again. And he hasn’t. Truthfully, the one before him left a mess, so I’m sure it’s been hard on him. But he does everything I need him to. If I ask he tells me, if he thinks it’s going to upset me – he talks me through it. He even shares his location with me on our phones. Maybe one day I won’t need that kind of thing – but he says he has nothing to hide so it doesn’t bother him.
Now, I’m spewing all of this romance stuff – please don’t think we’re over here floating on pink clouds. We’re not. We have a lot of issues that we work at every day. But to be honest, they’re mostly brought on by outside influences and the societal knowledge of how things ‘should’ be. My lovely sister-in-law recently pointed out to me, it’s not ‘supposed’ to be a certain way. It just works out or it doesn’t’…and we do. Speaking of my sister-in-law…ELLIE! Josh’s perfect, beautiful, sweet, I-could-die-every-time-I-hold-her, niece was born this year too. I feel a kinship with her because we’ve both sort of been around for the same time. They found out they were pregnant with her the day Josh introduced me to his family, which may seem silly – but I’m weird and weird shit means something to me.
I didn’t do that great at work this year. I mean, I was fine – but fine isn’t good enough. Not for them. I had a lot going on, but excuses are also not good enough, so all I can do is say that next year will be different. Next year, I’ll exceed expectations – and you can bet your ass I will. My personal writing, um, sporadic at best. I’m giving myself the goal to take the novels I have in progress and either focus on one, or delete them all, throw them all away, (over 100,000 words) and just start writing and see what happens. I suppose some people can write about whatever, but my life always, always sneaks in. And if my life is unsettled, my writing is too. I don’t mean sad – that usually makes for pretty good writing. I mean, unsettled. Unsure. That was 2018. Unsettled. Unsure. 2019 has no reason to be anything other than steady. Change? Yes, I’m sure change will come. But hopefully none in the soul of my life, which these days – is pretty full of hope and love.
Okay, and now for everyone’s favorite part! Advice from lessons learned in 2018:
- Life is short. For real. Never take it for granted that you will see someone tomorrow, because you might just be sitting with leftover words and a sad heart.
- Do what makes you happy (as long as you’re not physically hurting someone else). If people can’t deal with your happiness, they should probably stop looking.
- Leave the past in the past. People are going to make mistakes. You have two choices. Ask them to leave your life or forgive them. If you choose the latter, leave that shit where it belongs and don’t let it mess with your life or your head. And if you have people who love to throw it in your face, well, that’s their sin to answer for. Not yours.
And my personal favorite and overall life motto:
- It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Happy 2019 to everyone reading this. Thank you for the role you played in my life in 2018, even if it was just to make me stronger. May life’s current carry you to the next phase in your journey and Karma be there to make sure it’s exactly what you deserve.