39…and Counting

I’ll be 39 in less than a month. It’s possible I’m having a hard time with it. Everyone said 30 would be rough for me, but it wasn’t at all. I’d just signed my first book contract, gotten a promotion at work, was living in a house I’d built from the ground up and loved, and at the time, my marriage was going well. So, what’s different now? Well, first of all, I haven’t published a book since 2013. Am I writing? No. Not like I should be. I have six things in progress (cuz literary schizophrenia) but I’m not making time for it. Don’t be a writer, be writing. I am working on something that calls to me more than the others, as it mirrors my own life. Fiction? Yes. But pulled from reality for sure. I would like to finish that book by the end of the year. Yes. I’ve just decided. I am going to finish that book by the end of the year. It’s under my Pen Name, which I’m changing. It was Lee Ralaine (my middle names) and I’m going to Christina Wulff, because, that’s just a damn good name for a romance author.

Speaking of Wulff…

The other thing different is that I’m not married anymore. Well, one signature away from not being married anymore anyway. In the end it was a mutual decision, so don’t cry for me Argentina. It was the best move for both of us and I hold no resentment toward him. He did the best he could. I am, as you know if you follow this blog, seeing someone and his last name is Wulff. It’s just a good name, right? I’m completely obsessed with the whole wolf/wulff thing. I’ve even been playing around with True North 2 ideas ( http://www.devinedestinies.com/true-north/ ) though, that’s not the thing I was talking about earlier. (See. Schizophrenia.) I’ve become enthralled with wolf fantasy art and have a few cute shirts, phone cases – it’s a whole thing. He’s younger than me and this may be another reason 39 is getting to me. No, I don’t look it – but at some point I will. Right? Oily skin can’t save you forever. Though, my dad is 70 and looks 50…so there’s that.

The rest is very similar – got a promotion at work and love my job, just moved into my DREAM house that I built from the ground up, just bought myself a new car (2018 cutest-thing-you’ve-ever-seen Civic) and overall life is pretty good.

So, why is this hard for me? I honestly can’t say.

Perhaps it’s just the good old march of time reminding me that life is half over. That I’ve only got so many years left to see Ireland and go to Tomorrowland (which is most certainly a thing before I’m too old lol). Is this what a mid-life crisis is? One could argue yes. Threw my husband out, got a hot, young boyfriend and a cute new car. *looks around* I mean, sometimes you just have to do something drastic and take a chance. Sometimes you just have to stand up and say, this is my life and I’m at the point where I can afford to live it the way I want to. There is a moment when you stop and say to yourself, I’ve spent ALL of my life taking care of everyone else and doing the best I can. My turn. And, I guess that’s where I’m at.

Happy almost birthday to me. Karma – it’s me and you, kid. Let’s shake some shit up.

30 y/o me – 39 y/o me
#NoFilter

How to Fall in Love

So, I’m seeing someone. I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t set out to jump out of one relationship and right back into another. Oh no. I was super excited to date. I was going to date multiple people. A lot. I had no intention of falling in anything. And then he happened. I was (obviously) dating other people when I met him. He was like, third on the list. I will say that I knew in about .5 seconds after meeting him that I was in trouble, though. His pictures don’t do him justice and I didn’t even know the boy had blue eyes until I sat next to him in the booth at the restaurant. It was one of those first dates where you just click, you know? Like – nothing is awkward. Nothing goes too far, just far enough. I left thinking that I really liked him, but you know, I was in a groove. We kept talking, texting…and then the hurricane happened. EVERYONE I was seeing disappeared, except him. He came to stay with me because I was scared to sleep with my windows open (but couldn’t leave my diabetic cat so I had to stay). He took me to breakfast and driving all around town amidst debris and other hazards so I wouldn’t have to sit in a hot house. And when he finally left I knew there was something going on. Something that I wasn’t going to be able to deny.

Our first pic

Now, don’t get me wrong. I fought it. Oh, y’all. I fought it so hard. Bless his heart. The first three months of our relationship were a roller coaster of the worst kind. I broke up with him four times (once right after his dad passed away – and yes I know I’m an asshole). I asked him to stay, then go, then stay. It was a mess. But he wouldn’t quit. It was like he knew something I didn’t want to know or couldn’t see yet. Truth? He has a lot of baggage. Like, baggage that he should have put down a long time ago but kept picking back up even though he didn’t really want it and just ended up hurting everyone in the end, including myself. And, again, if you know me – you know I already went down that road. So, logic says: What are you doing, girl? You know you can’t handle this? Well, turns out – I can. Turns out, when someone is willing to do whatever it takes, anything is possible. Maybe the beginning of our relationship was so rocky so we’d have a solid foundation to build forever on? That’s my thought anyway.

It’s been seven months and sometimes the boy comes home and I am

I mean, how do you not fall in love with that?

literally just like, YAAAS THANK YOU, JESUS because I’m that in love with him. Because I’m that attracted to him. Because I’m that grateful that the universe let me have this. I know some people think we moved too fast, and they’re right. We did. We moved very fast. But both of us spent a long time with things and in situations we didn’t want. Long enough to know what we did want, and we just happened to find it in each other.

I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t have any idea how this will end. All I know is that it is so nice not to have to wake up and decide to forgive someone for everything they’ve done to you. It is so nice to look at someone and not have to worry about your heart because you know it’s safe with them. It is so nice to fall in love again.

I finally watched The Greatest Showman last Friday. LOVE. That’s a whole other blog. But there is this song and it describes the beginning of our relationship pretty well. Me fighting against it and him saying just let it happen. Here’s the song with some odd writing on the bottom, but it’s worth it to see this scene. I guess I’ve written all these words to say this: It is NEVER too late to make a new ending for your story so if you think you can’t rewrite the stars, you’re wrong. You most certainly can.