2021 Year in Review

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I guess I’m going to this once-a-year posting bit. I’d like to post more, but life tends to get busy and I don’t make time for it. I want to in 2022, but don’t hold me to it. If I’m writing it will *hopefully* be my WIP and not a blog, but sometimes the insistent rambling doesn’t pair well for a novel. See. I’m doing it now.

Camping in the Cold

4th of July

Sea Side

Cheers to one year!

Okay, 2021. Here’s the thing. 2021 was the first year life was quiet for me since 2017. In 2018 I got a divorce, in 2019 I got engaged and in 2020 I got married. Not to mention my mom passing away, job changing and a host of other things. Most of it was good, great even. But it was busy. They say the hardest relationship is the healthy one after the toxic one and that is a fact. But it’s not until the quiet comes that you know there’s a problem. In a toxic relationship, drama means love. Tears mean love. Huge, over-the-top emotions and behavior mean love. So, the steady hum of a normal life feels like something is wrong. What do you mean you’re not jumping in front of my car to stop me from leaving? What do you mean you’re not showing up at my work and buying me Coach purses? What’s going on here? Where’s the yelling and hitting walls and….what is this? Turns out ‘this’ is a healthy relationship. This is what people do when they have nothing to hide and no need to love-bomb you after their most recent transgression. And no one talks about this addiction (for lack of a better term) you hold on to for the love bombing. You think if someone isn’t fawning all over you all the time, something is wrong. If they’re not texting you every second, something is wrong. You expect it. But what you expect is a false construct that if you’re honest with yourself never lasted anyway. So when things get quiet and life is just happily unfolding you will start to question things and make up scenarios in your head and you will mess everything up if you’re not careful, or so I’ve learned.

I didn’t think I had any leftover issues or wounds, but I’d just spent three years filling those holes with constant life changes. Basically, I had something to focus on other than myself. And as it turns out, ya girl is pretty wounded and worst of all, wounded my son in the process. The behaviors I picked up to survive inevitably trickled down to him. It wasn’t until this year that I really accepted that I needed work. But acknowledging that is the first step and I continue to work on myself and my behaviors. My son and I are closer than we’ve ever been (now that he’s about to move out lol) and I’m working on taking responsibility for the pain I caused him.

I also fully embraced the NACHO Kids method this year and that has been amazing for my mental health. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you can read about it here. It’s a method of family blending where the stepparent leaves the parenting to the parents and totally steps out of the equation. I honestly didn’t know how much stress and drama trying to put my nose where it didn’t belong was causing me until I stopped. We try not to talk about the past or allow situations to overlap at all in our house. My husband and I have had conversations about things we’ve learned from our previous relationships, lessons we took away, behaviors we’re trying to overcome – but not allowing your past a place in your present is a good lesson to learn. We only talk about our future as a family here, and our family is he and I and our boys. It’s refreshing. I highly recommend this style, especially for stepparents whose stepkids live with them full-time. Unless the other parent has asked you to step in and *insert whatever here* do not do it. You’re there for love, kind words and to be a support system for your spouse. I also think I was blessed with the best stepkids on the planet so this makes it easy for me. I’ve never had to deal with meanness or disrespect or other things I hear so many stepparents complaining about and why this method might not work for them. These kids are good humans and just need a little direction…from their parents.

I’m not saying I’ve reached the end of my healing journey and 2022 is going to be smooth sailing. Far from it. I’m just saying that you’ll never get anywhere if you stand still and for the first time in a while, I’m taking steps forward. With all that being said, I leave you with everyone’s favorite part of my posts: Lessons learned in 2021…

  • You’ve probably hurt and gaslighted your kids. Acknowledge, apologize and do better.
  • Even if you wanted it, the end of anything will affect you and you need to process it.
  • Not everyone deserves your forgiveness, but you deserve to reach a level of indifference that’s, well, indifferent.
  • You can remove yourself from any situation that isn’t good for your mental health, familial or otherwise.
  • Birth control can make your hair fall out.
  • And last but most certainly not least: It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Wishing you all a safe and happy 2022. Here’s to it being your best year yet.

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2020 Year in Review

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*I barely posted all year so you’ll forgive the length of this one.*

I know a lot of you don’t want to hear this and cannot relate, but 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Maybe the best. Looking back, yeah, actually, I can say with confidence that 2020 was the best year of my life. But, if you know me or follow this blog at all, you know I was due. You know I’d had some pretty rough years since…well, since 2012 really. It was a hard time in my life. We lost a house, I lost respect for my husband, was doing pretty dumb shit online and was generally miserable. Then, in 2017 after years of back and forth, my husband’s most recent transgression came to light, and instead of fighting with him, I just put his ass right out. Packed his shit and had it waiting for him. And he just left too, since it was in fact, my house in my name and I’m sure by that point he was as done as I was. I don’t know what story he’d tell about those years and frankly, I don’t care. I don’t wish him any ill will, but I do find it sad that he never tried to maintain a relationship with his son. Nevertheless, he did gift me the ability to move on with my life without interfering and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Since I’d spent the last few years of my marriage essentially getting over my marriage, I was fully ready to move on the moment I put him out, and it’s a good thing because the Universe sent me the love of my life about 40 days later. I wish it had been about 70 days later, since it took him three months to actually stop sleeping with his ex, but I suppose in the end I was the catalyst that finally allowed him to move on for good after a year of separation and back and forth. Perhaps the Universe knew he and I would understand what it’s like to be caught in a relationship where the love has died but you can’t seem to let go? Perhaps the Universe knew we needed each other at the exact moment we found each other…well, he found me if we’re being honest. We’re total opposites in most things and practically the same person in some things. It was scary at first, to fall that fast and hard for someone. We put each other through the wringer to say the least. It was over a full year before we both settled into a rhythm and put our pasts completely behind us, divorces and all. And of course, we were both like, ‘oh we’re never getting married again!’ HA! I remember saying that to one of his friends in the beginning, which is funny because this good old Southern girl changed her mind pretty quick. I don’t know what to tell you. Not being married is fine for some people, but not me. If we’re doing this forever thing, we’re doing it married. I had no idea he was on board. He seemed like he was just humoring me most of the time honestly. Then, three months after his divorce was final, he popped the question late one night after a concert. Probably the only true surprise I’ve ever had in my life.

We spent the first part of 2020 planning a big wedding and the last part of it figuring out how to have a small wedding, but still make it special. In the end, it was perfect. Everything was truly perfect and just the way I wanted it. We rented a house (mansion!) for the weekend and most of our friends and family stayed with us.

    

Then we honeymooned in North Carolina in the mountains. It was a dream. Being his wife is a dream. It’s hard for me to describe. I could give you a list of things that make this man imperfect. Like, a BIG LIST. But to me, he is nothing but perfect. He is kind and thoughtful and listens when I need him to. He is SO SMART, very stable in his career, and continues to excel. Fun-loving, we have so much fun together and enjoy the same things, but he can be serious when he needs to be. All the issues I had with my ex aren’t issues with him. Once I was told that people are like cars. They’re gonna start messing up after a while and get old. You have to pick one where you’re okay with the little squeaks or super good at fixing the things wrong with it. I couldn’t deal with any of my ex’s issues. All of my husband’s I’m an expert in. And on top of all that, I’m happy to say, he is so so so so so damn fine. Blue eyes and all! But most of you know all this. Most of you know how happy we are and how happy he makes me.

The other thing that made 2020 perfect for me, it was the first full year of me officially working for the company I’d been supporting for the last 15 years. I’d previously worked for the company that owned them, but they were sold and took me with them! That alone was an honor, to know your name is on some legal agreement somewhere. That you were singled out as being good enough to not be left behind. That is also the kind of shit that makes you crazy loyal. I mean, go down fighting for this company until the last bell rings and they put me in the ground, kind of loyal. It helps that it’s a wonderful company and their purpose is to help people. I, specifically, write words to help get kids special education therapy AND THEY PAY ME FOR IT. And like, really well too. I’m an INFJ and it’s important to our mental wellness that our job matters and fulfills us. I’m so thankful that I have that. Crazy how I ended up with them. A journey that started in 2004 and I’m here to tell you I almost messed up a lot. Thankfully, I had some amazing mentors and friends that protected me and fought for me when anyone else probably would have been let go. I was young and made a lot of mistakes. I’ve grown up here and with this company. Now look at us, all grown and happy and doing the damn thing.

Like I said, I was due. I had some good Karma coming my way and 2020 delivered. If yours wasn’t so great, to you I say this: hold on. Hold on, don’t quit, and always be true to yourself. The right people (and jobs) will find you.

Okay, a new year’s post wouldn’t be complete without some advice and a song so here you go:

 

Lessons learned in 2020

  • Your physical space around you is important. Maintain your house/work space and splurge a little to make it your own.
  • Weddings are expensive. But worth it if done right.
  • Best friends are gonna be best friends even if you don’t see them every day.
  • Feed your MIND a healthy diet. This is recent (and not mine, I stole this from the CEO of my company). Social media is just a cesspool of other people’s drama. You gotta get away from it. Pick one platform and use that to enhance your personal experience and leave the others alone.
  • And last but certainly not least, my personal motto: it is never too late to become what you might have been.

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2021! Wear your masks, wash your hands, call your parents.

 

In leu of a song, I give you our wedding dance:

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